I Finished Treatment… So Why Don’t I Feel Better?

*pictured - a couple of weeks before diagnosis

When I was diagnosed with cancer the first thing I though, obviously, is "is this going to kill me?" The second thing I thought was, "how can I make it through treatment?"

At that time my treatment plan hadn't been laid out yet and there were so many different scenarios running through my mind. After more tests and countless appointments I was told that, barring nay additional findings at surgery, my treatment plan would be: surgery, radiation, endocrine therapy.

Seems simple. I looked to that day of finishing radiation like it was the finish line. I knew endocrine therapy was the long haul so I didn't even consider it in the treatment plan (how wrong I was). I fully expected to finish radiation, have a couple of weeks and feeling tired, maybe some skin issues, and then be back to normal.

I tried to jump back into my regular activities (I was an avid spinner at that point) and pushed through the tired feelings to get my exercise in because IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD FOR ME. However, the opposite seemed to be true. The more I pushed, the worse I felt. A spin class would lay me out for a couple of days. After talking to my therapist and oncology, they both suggested that maybe I should hit pause on spin because my body was telling me that it was too much.

After I stopped spinning, I was hopeful that my energy would slowly return. Maybe it is, but I still need a nap every day and drag myself out of bed every morning. Honouring what your body needs when it is the complete opposite of what you want is really hard. But, pushing through isn't the answer right now.

Along with the shift from my usual active self came the emotional turmoil of recognizing that I am not the same person I was before my diagnosis and maybe the things I was doing physically also need to change.

I still haven't really found the right words to describe the identify shift I feel. On the outside, I look the same, with the addition on a few scars. On the inside, I am very much not the same.

So, treatment is done and I don't feel better. I feel like I'm at a point of rediscovering who I am as a person, who my trusted circle is, what brings me joy, and how I want to exist in the world.